I am the queen of bad decisions.
I mean I should win an award for some of my bad decisions regarding men.
Honestly it was so bad that I bought a VooDoo doll that was supposed to help find a good man…
20 minutes later…I lost it!
That is probably the universe telling me something.

I walked by the mirror one day and I had a gut check moment.
I looked at myself and then stopped and really looked at myself.
It was like all the bad choices flashed before me and I realized that pieces of me were missing.
Pieces that I had given away to men who didn’t deserve them.
I was living that divorcee’ life. Scratching things off the bucket list and thinking no one was getting hurt.  But someone was getting hurt…me…that very essence of me.
I gave away good parts of my heart and soul to men who were emotionally unavailable but offered physical gratification.

There was the lawyer who said and did the right things…taught me about sexuality and myself; but he held his heart behind a locked door.  And when I called him out on the hurt he caused, he ended it…by text message.  Very lawyer like…get it in writing so to speak.

There was the biker…no emotional availability but the sex was great until it wasn’t; and then I didn’t want him anymore but I let it go on too long… and there went another piece.

Then there was Covington, he said all the right things.  And I believed him because I was still leading with my heart rather than my head.  When he smiled; his smile did not go to his eyes, that should have been the red flag…but of course; I ignored it.  I wanted to believe him. But a woman who can read upside down has a dangerous skill.  In front of me…texting other women…as if I didn’t exist..”the lady friend from out of town.”  And I guess I really didn’t really.  I was just a woman he used because he was the kind of man who didn’t really like women; just what they could do for him in bed.  Never piss off an Italian woman with a temper. I went public with his crass behavior while trying to salvage what was left of my self respect.

But Natchez had to be the worst.  I let him stay too long..ignored my gut and got sucker punched.  I hate lies of omission and this one cut pretty deep.  But once again, I heard what I wanted to hear, ignored what I knew to be true because he wasn’t just a text message..he was there.  But he lied, cheated, used me and offered flimsy excuses and I let him…(That bad decision gene again…why had I lost that VooDoo doll?)

There were others in between…good ones and bad ones…but they all ended the same.  And with each ending…so went more pieces some to men whom I can’t even remember their names.

But I have straightened my crown,
Dried my tears…
and now it is time to move on
and not let this bring me down.

I know what I want and what I don’t….

I am not going to be any mans…
Down Time
Part Time
His time filler
His last minute date
his “come over baby and hang out” girl
His “friends with benefits” girl
I am not going to be an option.

Those days are over…
I am an educated, passionate, fierce, sane, outspoken grown ass woman.  I am not chasing, begging, or giving up pieces of myself anymore.

I will not make room in my life for you to slide in and drift out whenever you want.
You can fight for your spot.

I come with a tribe of family, amazing friends, spirt and fire…It’s a package deal…not to be broken up for your convenience …
I don’t need saving…I have finally saved myself.