I am a mother.
I am a mother of an addict.
I am a mother who failed to protect her child.

On the day he was born, I counted his fingers and toes-
I looked into his perfect face and realized the in my life filled
with imperfect decisions and choices..I created this beautiful bundle..he was perfection.

As I looked into his eyes-
and held his tiny hands… I wondered what kind of man he would be…

Would he grow big and strong…
Would he be a good father…
Would he be a success?

Never once did I look down and think he would become an addict.

And that is where being a parent brings joy, heartache, regret-
prayer and bargaining with God.

You see - most think that addicts hurt no one but themselves - they are selfish - lazy -they come from a bad home…they must have bad parents.

The drug becomes the addicts family and his best friend.
The person you know is gone…
Oh you catch glimpses of the person you used to know when they are bargaining with God to get clean…
Or you are bargaining with God to help your child.
But the drug calls them back…away from God…and the addict returns.

The addict is locked in his own battles…
He wants to get clean…
wants his life back…hates where he is…
But it seems hopeless because the drug tells him no one understands him…
No one cares about him…
Only the drug is his best friend.

The drug has convinced him that God will not forgive him…
his family is judging him…
and people would be better off without him.

He cannot forgive himself because he feels his sin is too great and he has fallen too far.

And as you remind him that God loves and forgives him…
that you love and forgive him…
You struggle and you pray the prayer of mother’s everywhere - 
that God will protect him and give him strength.
And that as he is falling - 
he does not give into the idea that his children, his family and his friends would be better off without him… 
The drug is a liar that only wants misery.

You see…I struggle too.
I was supposed to protect him, teach him, and keep him from harm.
I taught him to pray…
I thought I told him enough that I believed in him…
that he was wonderful …
that he was smart…
that he was loved.

Maybe I didn’t tell him enough and the drug was stronger than
all I could do…

I cannot fix this.

I can only pray hard as only a mother can.

No mother looks into the eyes of her child and imagines that 
they will become an addict.